What I Have Learned

Since I am about to turn thirty and head into a new decade, it’s brought about quite a bit of reflection. I’ve just finished reading Todd Henry’s, Louder Than Words, which hit more points than previous self help books. It might have just been my timing of reading it since I’m in a bigger (or seems to be bigger) transition period, where I have accomplished quite a bit with my art, but also feel a bit stagnant. It’s been slow moving the past few years, but I haven’t stopped creating. I have just absorbed a lot and needed to figure out what kind of artist I am and what kind of artist I want to be.

What I have learned about myself since college:

I’ve been fighting myself on previous ideas of what or who an artist is. I’ve always told myself I don’t want to be all consumed by art. That I won’t be able to do all of the other things I want to pursue if I dedicated that much time into being an artist professionally. I have been both afraid and maybe misled about artist’s lifestyles. So when I tell myself this, it prevents me from working. It is so easy to avoid the work when it gets challenging.

I get frustrated when it gets hard and creating can be even harder when I’m not in an artist community. I went from being in school and taking these studio classes, having so many people around me and on my side to give me new perspectives and feedback that would actually make me think more and put more time into projects, to having almost no one. Granted, I had my friends, family, and boyfriend (now husband), but hardly any close people in an artist community. The few years after I did have a few art related jobs that gave me an opportunity to grow, I just didn’t take the full opportunity. I was shy and overly confident in my college work, but disappointed and embarrassed by the work (or lack of work) I did after finishing with a BFA.

The problem has been my perspective. My perspective was coming from always seeing the animators and artists I aspired to be like, who seemed to have spent all of their time and energy pouring into these creative endeavors to get to their dream career. They sacrificed a big part of their life that I felt like I didn’t want to miss out on. I am not made like that. I can be dedicated, but I don’t have that same drive and dedication to put all of my effort and energy into a single thing. Physically and mentally I knew my breaking point (or I make up my own breaking point anyway), and have never been really one to push past it. Why would I push myself to run until I throw up? Why would I push myself to forego sleep just to try and get a better grade when I think it’s decent enough? What would that getting me? Sick, sleep deprived, very annoyed, and frustrated. I didn’t want any part of that. Because of this, I would describe myself as being B average. I wanted to be better than average, but never had the strive to push myself to get an A+ in everything. I have never been obsessive or a perfectionist if it means sacrificing time with friends or family, or sleep, or even eating. While I’ve obviously forgotten or forgone those things at times, it’s never been a regular thing because I also have a big case of FOMO.

Coming out of school itself was a hard transition when I didn’t go on to get a Masters or have a specific job that required hands on art skills. I went from doing art about 6-8 hours a day to maybe 30 minutes. Why would I expect to continue growing as quickly when I cut that time by a huge percentage? How could I give myself that time when I had a full time job and wanted to socialize? It was easy to throw art to the side and put it on the back burner.

So as I go over and redo my art catalog, I have realized some of my best illustrations have been because I spent at least 20 hours on them. Which is one of the things I have struggled with to continue. When no one is pushing me to spend more time on things, I quickly give up. So with that knowledge, I’ve learned that I need to just break things down into small manageable tasks. I don’t try to do the whole project all at once. I know it will take awhile, so I just try to dedicate small amounts of time per day to slowly get it done. This may seem obvious, but knowing it and then putting it into practice after overreacting or freaking out about the amount of work involved is a lot harder. The key is consistency. But consistency and patience is a hard thing to acquire when you know yourself to be a sprinter.

I’ve always been a sprinter. Even when writing essays in high school or college, anything under an hour seemed to help me focus, be more concise, and make my point more eloquently. This frequently showed up in college too when we did quick study figure drawings or paintings. Some of those initial gut instincts have turned out better than when I have all the time in the world. Granted, they’ve never been my best pieces, but seeing how well I could do in a short period of time made me feel more accomplished. “Look at how great this turned out in 15 minutes!” Why would I want to spend 6 hours on a piece when it was pretty decent after an hour?

However, sprinting on creative endeavors or in a creative life doesn’t really work. There are always specific times to sprint, but a career and becoming a professional is built by pacing and doing small things every day. As all of the help books I’ve read say, THERE ARE NO SHORTCUTS.

These past 5+ years I have had to learn to create better habits and re-prioritize my goals. I am slowly learning that I need to prioritize at getting myself to do art everyday if I want to keep growing. Though I am still fighting myself, the more I actually do the work the more I realize I still have time to do other things. I’m in it for the long haul now and can start to discipline myself a bit more. I am slowly changing my perspective and realizing that instead of sacrificing my other time, I am investing in myself. I am investing my time to get better. To learn more things. It’s been slow, but I’m starting to push and trust myself. Funny enough I’ve realized I can be a successful and professional artist alongside being a part of a book club, having a full time job to pay the bills, being a partner, and many other things! So with all of this learning in my 20’s, I’m hoping to put it more into practice for my 30’s.