Continuing the Journey

FEBRUARY 2, 2021

I love love! I love strong friendships that when someone dies-in books or movies- (sad dramatic story) that they’re mourning someone close to them. And I feel the love they had for each other, and THAT’s what I love. A friend that is there. And seeing how this person is affected so strongly after the friend dies. 

Sounds morbid, but I guess I’ve just always been drawn to those deep connections. You open yourself up vulnerably and all that love is received and then returned. Which makes the bond incredibly close. 

So how can I take my art there? What do I already have in my art that expresses those feelings? 

FEBRUARY 3, 2021

Gah! Figures in lighting and how I can’t express how juicy and exciting it is to draw. To move my pencil or piece of charcoal along the flow and energy of bodies. When you light it to really emphasize the strength or movement, it just dances in front of me, teasing. Which is probably why I love theatre (one reason anyway) so much. The physicality mixed with dramatic lighting. Then add a layer of goosebump soul-moving music and you have me drooling. Mesmerized. I’m all in.

Maybe I should draw in black sketchbooks some more. Already filled up 3 pages in an hour - which is taking my time and trying not to soar through it too quickly. Just picked it up again and rediscovered the excitement.

FEBRUARY 27, 2021

How funny it is when I get thoughts or creative inspiration how quickly it runs through you. And you struggle to cling on to that aha moment or brief clarity it offers. That even these 5 minutes after I write a review of the book and drink up the rest of my coffee to come up here to type, the thoughts are almost slipping through my fingers...

How Hanif was able to offer me perspective and critically thinking of my world in Ohio. I didn’t understand all of the music or musicians he talked about, but the way he wrote about them I had a brief window into why. I never tried understand the why of rap music or hip hop music. Which is probably why I don’t like it. I don’t understand it. I don’t realize where they are coming from and it’s a direct reason from the system and place I grew up. Or way I grew up. As a white person I was never told to be aware of why people of other cultures and other skin tones need to express themselves in a certain way or certain space. I am just now starting to get a glimpse of understanding. I will never truly understand, but that’s okay. I can see it for what it is and still celebrate it. And remember to celebrate the moments we do have. As we continue to age, the world around us seems to grow darker — or it’s just harder to hide the secrets we know are being told. It becomes so obvious in every aspect how much the game is rigged. 

Reading a book like this helps me regain some inspiration and remember why it is so important to create. To create art, and to express myself. We have to take the moments we have and do what we can with them. The world will probably not get much better, and will always get worse before any small amount of progress can happen. And how depressing is that? Plus, the 24-7 media coverage we have and will likely always have now makes it hard to get away or shut it out. We shouldn’t get comfortable with it, but it does make it harder to grieve and heal ourselves for the next battle. 

What I want to do with my art and maybe continue to capture the good moments, and share the happiness and positivity I still have within me before I maybe grow too cynical and depressed. To remind everyone to keep looking for the good in spite of all the dirty shit and lies that can take on corporeal forms. 

I still can get emotional talking about my art and what I want to do with it. I remember, multiple times really, but one distinct time - sitting in Venice in our hotel dining room with Tim and he’s asking me what I want to do and why I haven’t pursued my art more. And when I explain, I start crying. Whether it’s because I have a deep fear I have trouble confronting still or repressed issues of being told I can’t do it, I have in some ways told myself that. I don’t think I have stopped growing, but I haven’t allowed myself to really invest in my art or give myself the time and space to believe in what I do and what I CAN do or accomplish. I still dream of being able to at least visit Pixar. I don’t know if animation is still something I want to do, but to be involved in an amazing art community and culture like that is so thrilling. How they have strived to get there and how they foster and care for creativity and artists. 

But this barrier or hard work and long hours is still the wall in front of me that I have trouble moving past or around...

Wanting to write in some ways to connect to people/my family in ways I have trouble doing in person. To unfold and reveal a true side of myself with a bigger “protection” of doing so on paper or online. To be able to be vulnerable in a comfortable space, but also be able to put it out there to share it for someone to understand. 

To connect and keep in touch with friends I still want to talk to, but are terrible at texting, responding, or keeping up. Or a way to give space to friends who need it when I can be overwhelming.

A way to share how I work out or work through art pieces or a better creative practice that has finally taken (I think) shape after 5 years.